thoughtless

there was this person who was sitting on a bench one night. it was located next to a sea and he could see the vastness and greatness of the water. he realized how small he is compared to the water but somehow he could sense every drop of water in the sea and it's emotions. the magnified senses where amplified with thomas newman's "any other name". it all seemed to suite together. he could see the beauty in the world. every positive emotion floated through him like a leaf that is falling down with a breeze. it's beauty and sorrow. as if tomorrow, what tomorrow?
he was happy because everything was at it's place. everything was correct. like a big mosaic that was put together carefully. he was happy about life and he knew everything...

I'd always heard your entire life flashes in front of your eyes the second, before you die. First of all, that one second isn't a second at all. It streches on forever, like an ocean of time. For me it was lying on my back at boyscout camp, watching falling stars. And yellow leaves from the maple trees that blined our street. Or my grandmothers hands and the way her skin seemed like paper. And the first time I saw my cousin Tony's brand new Firebird. And Jeany, and Jeany. And Carolin. I guess I could be pretty pissed off about what happened to me. But it's hard to stay mad when there's so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once and it's too much. My heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst. And then I remember to relax and stop trying to hold on to it. And then it flows through me like rain and I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life. You have no idea what I'm talking about I'm sure, but don't worry, you will some day.
Kevin Spacey. America Beauty

the mood

The last few blogs have been kinda moody and abstract. What it actually is, is a minute of my emotions written on the screen... I feel like writing and I don't know what to write so I write nothing and try to make it look like something. The same is with my thesis. The more I think about it the more rubbish it seems to me. Then I don't think about it all the time and it seems quite ok. So I guess in the end I will find that out on the 6th when I have to defend my thesis.
Again I have written something about nothing!

morning

it's morning again.. and I mean it's a beautiful morning.. the sun is shining through a big window in my room and the air is warm. it's basically a summer which I truly waited. the notion that I would like to leave now is that unfortunately this sun is shining into my face and my eye and it's making a mirror out of my computer screen and even with my hardest physical attempts to try to read what I'm actually writing in this condition is hard...
so I leave again. to another room

linking different things shows the brillancy of a mind

you figure it out!

OKAY

I haven't posed anything here for a long long time. ! I have to write things down though I have done it a little and it all sits in a txt file in my laptop.
I think from now on in major part of my blog I will write in english because I have gained many new friends abrod, who don't understand estonian and still would be interested to read my stuff ;) so this is for you my friends... though I can't really take the responsobility for my english writing, because it might contain many mistakes and ununderstandable words which perhaps I myself have invented. but anyway I didn't do that when I was writing in estonian as well.
Its really strange to read the things that I have written here since I stared my blog. It's strange because I can relate to the emotions and feelings I had at the time I wrote it. I remember exactly how I felt when I was waiting in the airport the first time I left to germany... I guess that people actually remember their emotions better then other things. they do it unconsiously, so it just grabs you. I guess that experience is also all about that.. To get the right feeling or to avoid it. Well I don't know. Anyway it doesn't matter. What matters is that I'm glad I wrote things down, since it brings me closer to what I've done and what I've felt. Also helps me understand who I am today... Not in a really filosofical way, just in a pure natural emotional way.
Anyway I'm writing my thesis right now and it's not going so well, since I have a lot of questions which I don't know how to answer. I will still try to do my best and succeed, which of course I will ;) everybody will :)